Seeking Contentment in God

I have had mixed feelings the last couple of weeks. We thought we had our "dream" house in Kansas City sold only to find out it fell through. We then panicked at the thought of carrying two mortgages. However, God relieved our fears when almost immediately a renter was found to take on the responsibility for 2 years! What a relief! That feeling of relief was soon taken over by a feeling of not being good enough.

I've struggled with not being good enough for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory was in the second or third grade. I attended a school that wasn't in my neighborhood. In fact, it was in a neighborhood that was quite well off. I'm not exactly sure what led to my attendance at that particular school except it was within walking distance of my Mom's work and it was a school where many high achieving students went. My parents were never and will never be wealthy. My Mom has always worked hard and done the best she could for my sister and I. Most of the kids came from wealthy families. They could afford all the latest styles and in my opinion lived in "mansions" . See I wasn't good enough to be their friend. Not many people ever cam to my house because it was small (most of these kids had garages that were the size of my house), it was in the ghetto (It definitely wasn't) and I never had the latest or greatest toys or clothes. I didn't fit in because my Mom shopped at Venture (does anyone remember Venture?) and most of them shopped at Macy's or whatever was the coolest store at the time.

These memories and feelings still make me feel inadequate. I know intellectually they shouldn't, but they do. So I've been attempting for awhile (unsuccessfully most of the time) to find contentment in where I am in life. It's hard. I find myself comparing my situation to others who are my same age. It's only gotten worse the last couple of weeks knowing that we are staying in the small little house that I promised myself a long time ago that I would never live in. I promised myself I would get an education and do better for my family. I put my self worth in the house I lived in. That is definitely a sin in God's eyes. Boy I am a poor miserable sinner. We are to be content with Him and Him alone. He specifically tells us to "Seek Ye the Kingdom unto God, and his Righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33. So he specifically tells me to seek a a relationship with Him and that he will provide exactly what I need. I shouldn't be worrying about my square footage or whether I have a 60's style bathroom (which I do). It's so much easier to focus on having a pity party or that fact I don't live in my dream home than building a relationship with Christ. I am a sinner after all and it is not fun admitting that. I daily talk about other people negatively, dwell on earthly things instead of relationships, fail to ask for forgiveness of other people and do a million other things that should condemn me for eternal life. However, there is a saving Grace. God sent his son so that I, a person who everyday fails to be grateful and content, can live my eternal life with God. What a relief! I'm going to attempt to learn to be content in God's love and Grand and not seek contentment in the house or other material objects. I'm a sinner so I know I won't be able to. However, I'm going to attempt. I think God wants it that way!